


Regret

by holls



Series: Decisions [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, M/M, Old Age, Sad, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-23 19:00:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18708043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holls/pseuds/holls
Summary: Bucky and Steve are honest with each other about their feelings, but is it too late?





	Regret

“You take your eggs over easy still, right?” 

Steve looked up from his newspaper, looking towards the kitchen where Bucky was busy making him his supper. He’d insisted to him again and again that just because he was old didn’t mean he couldn’t do anything for himself, but Bucky had insisted on doing everything for him. He’d even moved in to make it that much more convenient for both of them, something Steve wasn’t going to argue. He didn’t mind having the company, especially after Peggy died, and Bucky kept the place clean and him fed. It reminded him of the years the two of them had lived together after high school, with Bucky fussing on him all the time, making sure he ate enough and stayed warm. Steve wondered if Bucky would still want to sit in a cold bath with him on hot summer days, or relax out back in their underwear. 

The time for that had passed, however, along with many other things, and all he could do now was reminisce. 

“You know me,” Steve said, setting the newspaper down, whatever he was reading forgotten now as Brooklyn occupied his mind. “What else are you making?”

“Hash browns and some ham. I’m not making bacon for you any more, it gives you heartburn,” Bucky said as he poked at the eggs, looking over at the toaster as it popped. Steve wouldn’t have eggs without his diagonally cut toast, he had to poke the yolks with the corner of it and eat up the yellow goop before making a sandwich with the fried white part. 

“Some things are worth a bit of pain,” Steve said, slowly getting to his feet to get the table he ate off of when he sat in his recliner, setting it up for himself. 

“Don’t I know it,” Bucky said, plating their food and bringing it out, immediately noticing little table. “I could have done that for you.”

“You already do enough for me,” Steve insisted, walking into the kitchen next to get a couple bottles of water for them. “If you did any more, I’d feel guilty, so stop it.” 

“Never,” Bucky said from his spot on the couch, using the coffee table in front of him for his plate. “Sorry this is a shitty dinner, I’ll make spaghetti tomorrow, I just forgot to take anything out.”

“It’s better than I’d have done,” Steve said, looking over at his friend before picking up his toast to begin his usual routine. “I still burn beans.” 

“Oh I know, I’ve had enough of your cooking for a lifetime,” Bucky said with a laugh, taking a bite of egg. “Remember that time you bought that roast for my birthday and it was burnt on the outside and raw inside? Plus the potatoes were massively underdone along with the carrots, none of it was edible.”

“I seem to remember you eating it though,” Steve remembered, having forgot it was really that bad. 

“Yeah, well…you made it for me,” Bucky shrugged, smiling despite the ache in his chest, the nagging feeling that never really went away. “You really tried, it would have been a dick move to not eat it.”

“It would have been self preservation, I would have understood,” Steve said as he build himself a sandwich with his meal, wiping his hands on his napkin. “What are you doing tonight, going out?” 

“When do I ever go out if it’s not for business or to go to the grocery store? No, I’m staying in and we’re finishing the Lord Of The Rings trilogy,” Bucky said, shaking his head before taking a drink of water. “And we’re starting it from the beginning, you fell asleep on me early last night.” 

“It can’t be much fun hanging out with an old man all the time, Buck, why don’t you go to a bar or something? The metal arm has to be a hit with the ladies,” Steve said between bites, enjoying his dinner, and thankful that Bucky was here to make it. 

“Nah, I’m good,” Bucky said casually, stabbing a piece of potato with his fork and popping it in his mouth. “Besides, didn’t I say to you that you’re Steve to me, not ‘old man’? Stop acting like your age changes who you are.” 

“But it does, I can’t exactly go for a run with you,” Steve pointed out, setting down his sandwich. “Bucky, I appreciate you being here, but I don’t want to hold you back.” 

“You’re not holding me back. Stop being a jerk and eat your sandwich,” Bucky said, pretending to be very interested in his plate. 

“Bucky, when Peggy and I-“ 

“Stop, just stop,” Bucky dropped his fork, putting his hand on his forehead as he tried to contain his temper. He knew Steve meant well, he just wished he’s shut up about it. “I’m not you and Peggy.” 

“Has there ever been anyone? You’d always mention a girl’s name once or twice and she’d be gone again, but was there one of them you wish you hadn’t lost?” Steve asked, watching Bucky’s expression for any kind of clue, trying to think back to one that stood out. 

“There was someone, but it doesn’t matter now,” Bucky sighed, wishing Steve had grabbed him a bottle of something stronger than water. 

“Who was it? Do I know her?” Steve’s eyebrows raised, wondering why Bucky hadn’t ever brought anyone up. “Was it when you were in Russia?” 

“No, stop guessing,” Bucky grumbled, taking a few more bites before putting his fork down again. 

“Bucky, it’s me…” Steve said softly, trying to remind Bucky that he had nothing he’d ever need to hide from him.

“…I-I…” Bucky stammered as he interpreted the sentence a different way, thinking that Steve had just guessed his biggest secret. “Steve…” 

“What?” Steve was confused now, but he could tell by how pale Bucky was that something wasn’t right. 

“I didn’t know, I didn’t think I could tell you…” Bucky said weakly, burying his face in his hands, taking a few deep breaths. “It doesn’t matter now, I just…I don’t want things to be awkward. I’m sorry.” 

“Sorry for…?” Steve furrowed his brow, going back over everything that was said until the pieces fell into place and he realized exactly what Bucky was saying. It was like being punched in the gut. 

“Just sorry for fucking making things weird, I-” Bucky raised his head and wiping his eyes, looking over at Steve and frowning. “Steve? Are you okay?” 

“It was you or her…” Steve whispered, his eyes glazed over as he stared forward, tears running down his cheeks. “I said there was no way…no way that you’d…” 

“What?” It was Bucky’s turn to be confused now, cocking his head as he stared at Steve, dinner forgotten. 

“I loved Peggy, don’t ever think I didn’t, but she wasn’t who I thought of going back to first,” Steve admitted, unable to look at his friend as he felt sick to the pit of his stomach. “I would have had you all this time, we would have had a long life together, we would have…” 

“Steve…oh my god…” Bucky couldn’t breathe, he felt like the room was spinning around him and he desperately wanted it to stop. Letting out a broken cry, he fought every urge he had to destroy everything and scream until he was hoarse, bursting into sobs instead. He felt like he was losing his mind, and all he could do was pull on his hair to distract himself with more pain. 

“Bucky, no, don’t do that,” Steve got to his feet and was over to Bucky’s side in a flash, pulling his hands away from his hair before wrapping his arms around him. “Bucky, my Bucky…” 

Bucky’s body shook, though he didn’t make a noise as his hands slowly left his face, his arms wrapping around Steve as he cried into him, soaking the material of his shirt. It wasn’t stopping, the torrent of tears, they only seemed to flow faster as his brain threw every heartbreaking thought it could at him. 

“I didn’t have you, all I wanted was you…” Bucky managed to spit out as Steve held him in his arms, shaking his head as if to forget his own feelings, though it did nothing. 

“I wish I knew, I thought…” Steve had thought that there was no way Bucky was going to love him in return, he’d taken the path that he thought would be easier. He was regretting it thoroughly now, he had no idea how close he was to having the life he’d always wanted. “I’m so sorry, Bucky.” 

Unable to reply, Bucky could only weep as he leaned against Steve, not wanting him to let go, wishing that he’d done something, said something, anything to have given Steve some hint as to how he felt. Even if they would have had to hide hit from the world, it would have been worth it to fall asleep in Steve’s arms every night. 

“I don’t want you to be sorry,” Bucky said finally as his tears slowed enough for him to speak. “You had a good life, a happy life with Peggy, there’s nothing to be sorry for.” 

“I could have had that life with you, I could have kept you home from the war and protected you,” It was Steve’s turn to get more emotional now, picking up a couple tissues from the box on top of the coffee table just beyond Bucky’s unfinished meal. Handing one to Bucky, he tried dry his own eyes, but it seemed to be a steady job. 

“Our life would have been harder, it wouldn’t be like something out of a storybook, we’d have to lie about each other,” Bucky was trying to find every reason he could to make Steve’s ultimate decision seem like the better of the two to ease Steve’s guilt. 

“So we couldn’t have a house in the suburbs, we could share an apartment in the city and pretend to be bachelors together, or move out to the country where no one would notice us,” Steve felt sick as the images of him and Bucky standing in the kitchen, his arms around his waist as Bucky cooked him dinner. “Bucky, I love you, I’ve always loved you.” 

“Sometimes love isn’t everything though, and I want you to know I don’t hate you for your decision, I couldn’t. All I’ve ever wanted for you was to be happy, and you were,” Bucky blew his nose, taking a few breaths to try to contain himself. “I’m here with you now…” 

“You deserve more than me now,” Steve said, keeping his arms tighter around Bucky, wishing everything had gone differently. “I’m old, I can’t make you happy.” 

“Shut up about being old. I’m old too,” Bucky reminded him, moving so that he could look Steve in the eye. “Will you hold me every night? Just in your arms as you sleep?” 

“You know I will,” Steve said, already imagining Bucky lying against him as they slept, protecting him from his nightmares. “Anything for you, Buck, anything.” 

“Just let me be with you now, okay? Even if it’s only hugs and kisses, can I have that much?” Bucky begged softly, reaching over to take Steve’s hand in his own, lacing their fingers together. 

Steve looked down at Bucky’s hand in his own, staring at the contrast between his pale, wrinkled skin looking older next to Bucky. His hands were still young, still soft despite Bucky having been on this planet as long as he was. Bucky still had his youth, his stunning good looks, his boundless energy, and he was willing to saddle himself with an old man who couldn’t even stand for long any more without leaning on something. 

“Are you sure about this?” Steve asked as he looked into Bucky’s stunning blue eyes, placing his hand on his cheek as he leaned forward to press their foreheads together. “You’re really sure this is what you want?” 

Bucky just smiled with tears in his eyes, blinking them away before leaning forward and pressing his lips against Steve’s, letting the kiss linger as he tried not to let it break. When it finally did, Bucky’s eyes met Steve’s again, both men unable to stop smiling as their cheeks kept getting wetter. 

“I’m so sure…” Bucky said back, laughing a little as he ran his metal fingers through Steve’s hair. “I love you however you come, Stevie, just like I always have.” 

“You’re too kind, Buck,” Steve said, relaxing at his touch, his thumb slowly rubbing the back of Bucky’s hand. “You’ve always been gorgeous from day one, you could have had anyone.” 

“I had who I wanted,” Bucky smiled, sniffing as he tried to calm himself down, though every time he thought he was almost there, one look at Steve’s familiar eyes sent another dagger through his heart. Of course he wished he’d had Steve all along, he wished he’d lived a full, long life by his side, but that was never going to happen. “I just didn’t always have you the way I wanted to.” 

“So I’m not the only one that wanted to drag you into a bedroom so I could have my way with you?” Steve chuckled, though there wasn’t much amusement in his voice. 

“Definitely not, I wanted you to fuck my brains out more times than I could ever count,” Bucky squeezed Steve’s hand, unable to keep a steady smile on his face. “It’s fine if you don’t want to do that now, I’m not expecting it from you or anything, it’s not a dealbreaker.” 

“…was there ever anyone else though, Buck?” Steve asked, unable to bring his hand away from Bucky’s cheek, tracing his fingers over it as if her was seeing him for the first time. 

“There could never be anyone else, I wanted to wait for you in case…in case you ever changed your mind about me,” Bucky admitted softly, relaxing at Steve’s touch, thrilled for even that little bit of contact with him. “i just…I tried, but I couldn’t.” 

“Fuck…” Steve breathed, feeling worse, though he was sure that wasn’t Bucky’s intent. “It would have been just you if I’d known, I would have treated you like a king, we would have…” Would have’s were starting to pile up at a rapid rate, all the good intentions that Steve would have had for Bucky, but it was too late for most of them. All he could offer now didn’t seem like quite enough, Bucky deserved so much more. 

“I’m just…I’m glad we know now, right? We can appreciate this time, you just have to live to be the oldest man alive, okay? I’ll look after you, I’ll do everything for you, like I would have if we were together all this time,” Bucky whispered, his voice cracking a little under the pressure of his emotions. 

“I don’t want to leave you…” Steve said weakly, pulling Bucky in for another hug as he buried his face in Bucky’s hair, breathing in the smell of him mixed with his shampoo. “I don’t want to leave you behind.” 

“…I won’t be left behind for long,” Bucky admitted, though he was sure Steve wasn’t going to like him saying that. 

“Buck...” Steve began, though Bucky was quick to speak again. 

“It’s my life, let me do what I want with it. If I want to follow my boyfriend, I’m going to,” Bucky insisted, not wanting this to be a matter of discussion, not when he’d made up his mind so long ago. 

“Your boyfriend…” Steve said weakly, knowing there was no use with fighting with a very stubborn Bucky, though the thought of him taking his own life ripped his heart out of his chest. 

“You have to be, I love you…you are right?” Bucky asked with desperation in his voice. 

“If that’s what my best guy wants, that’s what he gets,” Steve said, holding Bucky close, never wanting to let him go. “My gorgeous, brilliant boyfriend, my Bucky…” 

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Bucky laughed a little, hugging Steve back, not wanting this embrace to end. “Couple of wrinkles, but the grey hair really suits you. You’re one of those silver foxes.” 

Steve couldn’t help but laugh at that, shaking his head as he slowly let go of Bucky to wipe his eyes with a tissue. 

“I don’t know if that’s the term I’d use to describe me,” Steve chuckled as he leaned in to kiss Bucky again, letting this kiss last longer than the last one before he regretfully broke it. “But if you want to call me that, I can live with it.” 

“I’m going to call you lots of things and they’re all going to be complementary,” Bucky smiled back at him despite the ache in his chest. “…how about we curl up on the couch under a blanket and watch our movie? It can be our first date.” 

“That sounds perfect to me,” Steve said, letting go of Bucky to stand up and clear his plate. 

“No no, you set the movie up, let me do the leg work,” Bucky said, springing up and grabbing his mostly empty plate before getting Steve’s off his tray. “I just want you to take it easy until I get back.”

“Yes, sir,” Steve joked in return, watching as Bucky set his table aside before disappearing with the plates. Waiting for the sound of water in the kitchen, Steve took his phone out of his side pocket, going through the contacts and selecting Bruce Banner’s name to send him a text. Typing for a moment, he hit send and set it gently beside him next to a lamp before he picked up the controllers to set up their first movie date. He was going to make tonight perfect for Bucky, perfect for both of them, he was going to set things right.

‘Bruce, I need your help, and Hank Pym’s. We need to talk.’


End file.
